Legolas Swims in a Swamp
by Captain Cutlas
Summary: Legolas walks and occasionaly rides throughout Mirkwood trying to enjoy the day but keeps running into familiar faces...Read to laugh! You will...I swear to you...If not you can have my soul.


Ahoy matey! Tis' a fine day fer sailin'!! Yarrr! I hopes yah enjoy me yarn o' a tale me hearty. Yarrr!! I don't own these charactors me scurvy sea dog. They belong to Tolkein. Yarr the great land lubber!!  
  
  
  
Legolas strode gracefully down a path cutting through the trees. His feet made no sound and left no mark on the leaf-strewn path. He was happy to just enjoy himself within Mirkwood. A slow smile spread across his face, his pale thin lips curving upward. Suddenly Legolas leapt high clicking his heels together. He felt a song welling up within him and he burst out singing.  
  
"I'm bring home a baby bumble-bee! Won't my mommy be so proud of me!!" His clear voice rang out unwavering through the forest as he smiled and continued his song. Legolas quickly stopped his singing for the sound of a twig breaking reached his pointed ears. He began to think it was just a wild animal when shouts and hoots began. Cocking his head to the side, he listened closely to what seemed to actually be a chant.  
  
"We's ganna find yer and eat yah! Holla-holla-holla-boo! Dance yah weasels and lock-up yer cheese! Holla-holla-holla-boo!" The odd chanting grew closer and Legolas was too intrigued as to what could possibly be shouting up such a din. He then made out two small figures, clothed only in brown, tattered loincloths. They had wild hair sticking on end and paint was smeared about them in a war-like way.  
  
Easily Legolas climbed a tree and watched as they drew near, then stopped under him. The little savages sniffed the ground. "Food lotsa big meat!" One squealed. The other grunted and continued to smell the ground. Realization dawned on Legolas as he saw they were actually Merry and Pippin. He slid down the ground and opened his mouth to speak when suddenly the two obviously deranged Hobbits tackled him down.  
  
"What's this about?! Ouch stop it!" The two were mercilessly beating Legolas with ladles. "What are you doing?! Ouch! You bit me!!" Legolas easily tossed them off and rubbed his knee where Merry has decided to taste him.  
  
"We ganna eat you up!" Pippin jumped up and down screeching. His face was painted with stripes and his left eye had a circle of black around it making him appear to have a black eye. Merry was all painted up like-wise. He had a prancing teddy bear on his tummy and checkers on his face. Thoroughly confused Legolas was about to speak again when Aragorn appeared out of no where.  
  
"Yeeeeck!" Merry and Pippin hid behind a tree at the sight of Aragorn. He was clothed like a cowboy and carried a large gun. "Howdy there ma'am!" He tipped his hat at Legolas.  
  
"MA'AM?! What are you talking about Aragorn!" Legolas puffed his cheeks out angrily. He then looked down to see Merry chewing his ankle. "GERR OFF ME!" He kicked his foot about but Merry hung on with his teeth doggedly.  
  
"Well now little un' that no way ta treat a lady. You children should learn sum respect fer the missus," Aragorn bent down and pried Merry off. Pippin emerged from behind the tree and danced about.  
  
"We no kids! We the warriors of the Tumble Grassweed clam!!! I be Great beast slayer Sharp fang and he's Gorger the Feisty!" Pippin then jabbed at Aragorn with his ladle.  
  
"I'm not a woman! What's gotten into you guys!" Legolas was tired with their odd behavior and promptly laid down and went to sleep. Merry and Pippin.scratch that; Sharp fang and Gorger began to plan out what parts of Legolas they were to cook. They used a gel pen to mark spots on Legolas' cloths to where they would cut. "Go on kiddies! I'll stay ta watch this darlin' lady till she wakes." Aragorn the cowboy sat down and smoked his tabbacy. Night fell and Legolas snored loudly and mumbled in his dreams about what kind of hair follicle treatment he would use when he got home. Aragorn nudged him and he sprang up.  
  
"Well howdy! You slept longer than a rattler in its den." He chuckled, "I'm George. The toughest cowboy ta ride through these here parts." He tipped his hat and stood, his spurs clicking. Legolas did not know what to say and because I'm not partial to the dark, the sun shone above. George mounted his trusty stead, an over-sized hamster. It reared and whinnied. "Ah best go make sure the young un's found their way home. By the way, this is mah horse, Nancy. She's a touch ornery but tis' all right." Before Legolas could even comment on this, George rode off. Legolas stood for a moment shocked and bewildered.  
  
He decided it was his imagination and picked back up his song. "I'm bringing home a baby bumble-ouch! Its just stung me! I'm mashing up a baby bumble-bee! Won't my mommy be so proud of me!?" Legolas continued his song until he came upon Gandalf stretched out under the sun in a clearing in the trees. Gandalf wore a speedo and sprawled on a lawn chair. He had black sunglasses perched upon his nose and drank a Hawaiian style martini.  
  
Looking up at Legolas, Gandalf whipped off his glasses and frowned. "You're in my light missy! Can't yah see I'm turning to a golden brown?" Legolas didn't say anything but stepped back. He couldn't believe things could get weirder when Sarumon strolled up in shorts, carrying a towel and a bottle of sun tan lotion.  
  
Legolas watched as he lay down on the towel and commented on how nice the sun was before putting some lotion on his hands. Unable to bare how strange the day was going Legolas did a running jump onto the back of a park bench. It bucked once before taking off at a gallop. Legolas urged the concrete bench to go faster but it slowed to a stop and began to pant pink syrup.  
  
"Filthy beast! You've offered no refuge to the horrors that plague me!" Without a backward glance at the weary bench he shinnied up a tree and yodeled. A great shriek arose from a mole hole and out flew a lovely creature shinning silver and beating wings of butter up and down. It gracefully flew to Legolas and he got onto a saddle perched on the giant gold fish's back.  
  
It soared high up into the sky disappearing into a bloated orange cloud before diving back to earth and landing at the feet of Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee. With a squelching noise the gold fish shriveled up beneath Legolas and sunk into the ground.  
  
"Well that's done. Harrharrharr!" Legolas clapped his hands together and then noticed Sam and Frodo. He took a step back, afraid what they would say.  
  
"Hello Legolas. How are you?" Frodo smiled as well as Sam. They both seemed like their normal selves. With a sigh of relief, Legolas sat down on a hippo. "Oh I'm very tired Frodo and Sam. Say, what brings you here?" He looked quizingly at them. Frodo and Sam smiled at each other then clasped hands.  
  
"We are getting married! Sam and I would be honored if you'd be our flower girl, Legolas," Frodo released Sam's hand and grabbed Legolas'.  
  
"WHAT?! YOU TWO!? AAAAAHHHHHHEEEEEEEE!!" Legolas fainted dead away on the back of the hippo. A few minutes later he awoke to find Sam peering over him. Concern was all over his face as he helped Legolas to his feet.  
  
Legolas noticed Sam was wearing a techno-colored tux and Frodo was in a bright yellow wedding gown. It spilled over his feet and to the floor decorated with red candy flowers. Defeated Legolas allowed the engaged Hobbits to staple a suit of corn on him. It smelled of glue and he chanced a nibble, it tasted of evil Butterfingers(. "AAACCCKKK! EVIL BUTTERFINGERS(!" Legolas howled to the purple splotched moon and basked under the sun's green droppings. After the corn suit was melted off Legolas took a drink deeply from a hairy bowl containing grog.  
  
Sam and Frodo forgotten, Legolas chewed a snake in thought. He "hmmed" and "ummed" before deciding to seek out the only one he knew would be sane, Galadriel, the Lady of Light. Her wisdom would show him through these strange times. He whistled and Elrond trotted towards him bearing a carriage with no top behind him. Straps were attached to his waist and reins stretched from his mouth to rest on the carriage. Nodding his approval at Elrond's prompt arrival, Legolas feed him grains of chopped up fish eyes.  
  
"Aww that tis mah boy!" He nimbly climbed onto the carriage and in the same movement taking the reins in his hands. With a click from him mouth, Elrond set off a brisk trot. Through the forest they went, Elrond barely panting and his chest heaved slightly with the four long steps he was forced to take with his burden. Legolas was happy with how short the trip to Galadriel had taken. He quickly clampered down and bowed before her.  
  
"Legolas.I know what brings you all the way over here.Your heart and mind is troubled.." Legolas still kneeled before her. He knew she would certainly help him, when she said no more he looked up and blanched. Galadriel was clothed in greasy jean overalls. She wore a yellow and dirty hard hat over her head that barely covered her brow. She had dirt on her face and she clutched a roll of papers.  
  
"Umm.M-my Lady..?" Stuttering and gazing at her in surprise Legolas stood up quickly. Behind Galadriel lay a giant bulldozer. She smiled at him happily, "I'm going to cut down all these atrocious trees to make room for my fortune telling hut!" Leaping up happily she signaled to some Orcs to begin work clearing the area. Dumbfounded Legolas stared with his mouth open. Galadriel glanced at him and then set to work among the Orcs, "Be careful with those saws! Saruman will be ferious if any of you are hurt! Your on rental!! HEY! PUT THAT DOWN! KILL SOME DAMN TREES NOT EACH OTHER!" She hurried off to stop two Orcs from fighting each other in order to protect her investment.  
  
Still shocked that Galadriel herself was convorting with Orcs and wished to kill trees, Legolas wandered off. He could still hear her complaining about how high the rental fee was for Orcs and how if they were damaged then she would have to pay more.  
  
After a while he walked over to a hot dog stand and ordered one and a soda. "What kinda soda yah want mack!?" Bilbo Baggins grunted as he spit on the ground and served up the hot dog. Legolas decided upon Sprite( and sat down on the overly large number 5.  
  
Suddenly the lights dimmed and Legolas looked up from where he sat, to a stage. The Witch-king and leader of the Ringwraiths held a microphone up to his hooded face as Faramir began to play soft keys on his piano. The Ringwraith sang a low soft song in a language Legolas could only imagine was that of Mordor. Though the Black Speech's words were laced with cotton gravy, Legolas listened intently. The voice was so mournful and marshmellowy he could not help but listen.  
  
And then the Ringwraith threw off his hood and cloak. Beneath it he wore a long shimmering silver gown cut low at the top and a long slit went up to his thigh. Though the dress was formed, nothing was there. Legolas, however, could see the king's form because elves were at all times half in the realm the Ringwraiths reside in (that's why they glow, hohoho I know you thought they ate one too many night lights, heck! I thought so too at first!).  
  
With a startled frown Legolas watched as the other eight Ringwraiths danced out behind their king as the piano picked up to a hearty Brittany Spears song.  
  
"Oops I did it again!!! " behind him the Ringwraiths sang backup and they wore short black skirts and red tub tops. Legolas threw up his hotdog all over a hedgehog because of the singing. Not because they had terrible voices, but the song choice could kill even the sturdiest of dwarves. A cult of anti-Brittany Spears followers dressed Goth ran out with Brittany on a stake burning and menaced the Ringwraiths, Faramir quickly changed the tune and soon everyone was singing along with Nazguls as they led the song "Playmate of the Year" by Zebra Head.  
  
Legolas crawled away from the sedated crowd and bumped headfirst into Haldir. Dreading the worst he looked at Haldir's white hat lined with a leopard print strip that had a feather-poking out. Then he noticed Haldir was not wearing Elven clothing, instead he sported a deep brown cane, a long white fur lined coat that went to his ankles and platform shoes.  
  
Before Legolas could ask Haldir about his appearance, Haldir threw an arm around him and hugged him tightly saying "Legolas! Mah main man! How are yah? Need me to hook yah up with a bitch? Cause I got enough hos to please an army!" Legolas struggled in Haldir's un-releasing hug, his gold rings pressed into Legolas' back and a large golden necklace threatened to imprint itself in his chest.  
  
"Umm.bitch?.Ho?.." Haldir let Legolas go and smiled like a Cheshire cat. "Why of course!" He waved his hand and Thranduil stepped down off his street corner to walk over to them, hips swaying and lips puckering.  
  
"FATHER!?!?!?" Legolas could not believe his own father, Lord of Mirkwood, was dressed in a tight black mini skirt and an open back tank top that cut low. Stockings were pulled half way up his thighs then were held in place with straps leading to his underwear.  
  
"Legolas! My son, lookin' for a good time?" Thranduil winked at him while running his tongue over bright red lips. He leaned against Haldir, one leg lifted up to wrap around Haldir's thigh. At that moment Gimli came out. He was busy braiding his ear hairs and did not notice them at first. He happened to look up because the apple core cawed midnight.  
  
"Oh...umm.hello!" He bobbed his head excitedly to see Legolas, Haldir and Thranduil; his braided nose hairs hanging down low and wobbled to and fro.  
  
"Gimli! Tis' wonderful to see you once more," Legolas brightened up, Gimli was acting like his normal Dwarven self, braiding all his hairs: toe hairs, hairs on his chest, back hairs, pubi- uh herm! Seeing that he did not have a "client" Haldir flew off into the setting sun and Thranduil became one with an ice cream sundae, which got eaten' by Pippin and Merry (AKA Great beast slayer Sharp fang and Gorger the Feisty). Then they trotted off the face the antelope.  
  
"Gimli, have you not noticed all around us, the free folk are acting strange? Least mine eyes and ears are deceived by a dark spell indeed." Legolas lowered his voice, fearing the worst. Gimli simply grunted and began to eat a boiled boot. He sat on his hunches and gnawed at it like a squirrel. Legolas blinked in surprise and stumbled a bit as he stepped backward. Gimli looked up, eyes narrowed and glinting in the neon light hissed. Legolas fell onto his butt then quickly got up and scrambled away. He did not have far to go before he ran right into Gollum.  
  
  
  
"Raaaaa!" Said Gollum. "Sweeeee!" Cried Legolas. "Kaaaaaa!" Howled Arwen. "Graaaaa!" Hollered a farmer's pig.  
  
Wasting no time, Legolas once again scrambled away but Gollum's gray, M&M( studded fingers closed tightly around his ankle. Falling on his face, Legolas rolled onto his back and grabbed the first thing that came to hand, a wig. He beat Gollum mercilessly with it until Gollum was nothing but a common houseplant swaying in the gentle breeze provided by a hobo sucking in air then blowing it back out. For the homeless man knew nothing else. Panting, Legolas was helped up by Arwen. She had herself a fine beard, rivaled only by that of Gandalf. Not even going to ask her about it, he was ready to walk off but she tugged him back to her.  
  
"Please, Legolas!" Her round eyes wide open with fear, "The dustaringles are after me! This beard is my disguise but fool them for long it will not!" Legolas could not bring himself to help her, for he needed to get home and make sure the pies were baked to a golden teal. He was going to just slap her with a billboard when a loud terrible sheet-like moan arose from the sky.  
  
"THE DUSTARINGLES! THEY HAVE FOUND ME! PIRAHNAS OF THE SKY!" With a wail she ran only to have a cloud of translucent windowpanes gobble her up as they swarmed about her. She gurgled before swimming off to the land you swim to after death.  
  
"Oh look! A poodle! Tee hee!" Legolas ran off giggling as he reached at its fluffy tail and poked at its funny feet. He followed it all the way down the Seattle Street until it disappeared into a toaster. With a sad sigh, Legolas went back to walking through the forest and gathering nails.  
  
"Ahoy Legolas!" Shouted a crusty voice. With an exasperated sigh, Legolas dragged his bag of wheat over to Sauron. Instead of seeing his one giant flaming eye, there was a large eye patch over it. Sauron floated above a 7- 11(, haunting its Slurpee( machine. Below the eye lay a peg leg and a rapier lay sheathed in a belt. On Sauron's big ol' eye, rested a pirate hat and flapping about around him was his parrot, Muttlebrush.  
  
"Umm." Trying not to laugh at Sauron's swashbuckling appearance, Legolas bit down hard on Frodo's head. He stifled giggles and teasing comments as Sauron "yarred" and "hohohoed."  
  
"Yarr me fine buckaroo of an Elf! Tis' nigh that yah've come ta help me claim mah booty! Dis scurvy place o' filthy plunderers stole me good cookin' wench!" Ranting, Sauron spoke to a cat that ignored him and licked its crotch. Not being able to see, Sauron fired his cannon from his ship right at the Taj Mahal. It turned into a harp and dug a tunnel all the way to Ethiopia.  
  
Dancing a jig with some Ura-kai, Legolas sang a ditty about lodging things up your nose and tickling rocks. Much mirth was tossed about and one of the badly thrown mirths, hit Legolas in the eye. He fell into a brook and was swept off up hill. At the top of the hill he climbed a building of stereos and cheap products made in Egypt. A large box of Fiddle Faddle( swooped down and grasping Legolas in his talon, carried him off into the unknown. The end.  
  
Please tell me ifen yah likes it! I'll slit yer gizzard if yah don't me buckaroo! Yarrr! 


End file.
